Why God Wants YOU to Write Your Own Bibles

The Bible: Testament-code #Eart.MidW.Hum.2D-doubleeyes.USA
Pharisee-free Fanboy edition

Forward: Why God Wants YOU to Write Your Own Bibles

March 16th, 2022 A. D.

PHARISEE
noun
A stupid, boring, stick-in-the-mud grown-up who abuses their authority, going out of their way to violate the basic civil rights of everyone else for no provocation, in order to coerce them into keeping up with the Joneses on literal pain of death, while lying to themselves and everyone else about that to avoid accountability for it.

Synonyms: child abuser, nazi, disney villain, bad cop, every single grown-up on the planet who is currently reading this in the year 2022 A. D. to the best of my knowledge.

Antonyms: savior, hero, good cop, all your own babies, all your future selves (eventually), literally anyone who actually applies the lessons of preschool

See: THE LESSONS OF PRESCHOOL

THE LESSONS OF PRESCHOOL
1. Be nice to your friends
2. Share with each other
3. Take turns
4. Tell the truth
5. Be patient
6. Say please and sorry and thank you
7. Cleanup after your messes
8. Teamwork makes the dream work
9. Do your best
10. Have fun! 🙂

Oh? Were you expecting another set of ten rules to live by than those?

If so, feel free to read Jordan Peterson's or King James' writings instead of mine like you already have been. Maybe those will work better for you... someday.

But I'm pretty sure the lessons of preschool I just named would be way more than enough to EASILY resolve our global geopolitical dick-measuring contests if you ACTUALLY TRIED to apply them.

Or if any of you actually allowed ME to try that instead of going out of your way to criminalize me merely for using my ENGLISH degree in public.

I graduated from the Ohio State University with a BA in English in the professional writing specialization in December 2019.

This whole time I could've been writing grant proposals, not just for money but for anything you wish for, on behalf of all your political and cultural factions to each other.

I actually do love and enjoy that kind of work when I'm not being constantly harrassed and drugged up like you all did to me since I was 5 years old for over twenty years.

But you know, that's all water under the bridge now. I forgive you. I forgive all of you. Really. I do.

Why? Because I actually understand psychology well enough by now to know for a freaking fact that you all will stop acting like pharisees EVENTUALLY.

I had to learn to understand psychology that well in order to stay alive the past 28 years—you know, my entire life?

Or at least I think it was my entire life. I hardly remember anything before I was four years old. All you grownups say my name is Harry Hirsh and that I was born on November 13th, 1993 in Detroit, Michigan.

Then you all abused and betrayed me personally my whole life so thoroughly that I'm not so sure whether I should EVER believe anything you ever say about me as an individual. Ever.

Cause I'm pretty sure I feel more like I'm a Buckeye than a Wolverine. I'm not mighty but I'm still a tough nut to crack.

Tough, not mighty. Tough not mighty. You see the difference—at all?

My college years here were the best time in my whole life. And I hated those years because I was heavily drugged up, ostracized and harrassed by state-funded babysitters the entire way through. Yet despite that I still earned my degree with my own work.

Last year, in the Summer of 2021 A.D. I used my "keyboard warrior skills", including my intelligence, emotional sensitivity, my understanding of neurobiology, nutrition, exercise, healthcare, human psychology and ecology, and yes, my SOCIAL SKILLS (and yeah I actually have those) to rescue myself and every other innocent captive from an illegal captivity situation at the Riverside Methodist hospital here in Columbus, Ohio.

How? By pretending to be wealthy and well-connected enough that the hospital staff would be sued for lots and lots of money if they did not release me along with every other innocent prisoner in their ward.

I was bluffing of course, but they didn't know that. They NEVER would have believed that I was bluffing for the same exact reasons none of you other buckeyes from my alma mater ever believe me about that either.

And the hospital staff adamantly refused to tell me any clear date or time of my release at all no matter how much I begged them to until they actually released me—which proves they never would have released me otherwise. They were planning to hold me there indefinitely, and I tricked them into changing their minds about that by using my "keyboard warrior" skills.

Without any weapons, without any violence, just my body and spirit, my brain and heart and gut etc.

And meanwhile, all the big strong mighty macho older warriors at the India Oak bar who tell themselves they're knights in shining armor, what were they doing?

Were they rescuing damsels in distress? No, of course not. They were sitting around, being lazy, getting drunk on their whiskey and beer while watching football and complaining about everybody else.

Just like all the damsels in distress do on the opposite south side of town: they sit around, being lazy, getting drunk on their wine and tequilas while watching football and complaining about everybody else.

When they could have been using their peace-weaving and survivalist-healing skills to rescue innocent captives like I was.

So why am I still the one who is malnourished, underfed, "unemployed", completely unpaid for any and all work I do for anyone else, and still having a court-ordered legal guardian who is keeping my SSI money from me as well as most of my legal, financial and medical records via a payee company who they hired on "my behalf" against my will as part of the terms of the court order.

Why are YOU all still my legal guardian? Yeah, all you grown-ups out here who are reading this, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU!

My official legal guardian—and there are records of this—is the Franklin county board of guardianship services, which is a government agency, meaning that it is a part of the government—our country's government, America's government, the one that's of the people and by the people and would be for the people too if all the people weren't so against each other.

Yeah, that necessarily means that all you taxpayers and voters out here ARE my legal parents, quite literally.

And I'm STILL waiting faithfully for my Hagrid-Dumbledore-James-Sirius-Knight in Shining Armor-King Charming to rescue me, sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to his amazing magical military science fiction Hogwarts for me to become a student there.

I'm still waiting! I'm still waiting for my soulmate, my future papa-husband whoever and wherever he is to actually bother to talk to me or vouch for me to anyone else on the planet at all!

And I am still somehow forever alone with no one who ever bothers to act like a real friend to me even when they say they do.

They never bother to spend enough time with me to actually get to know me, and once they think they've figured me out entirely they stop listening and always interrupt me at exactly the second when I would say anything that would prove them wrong about me in any way.

And they somehow always know exactly the right second to interrupt me or tune out entirely to make sure they never hear me say anything more revealing about my real personality, experiences, thoughts, feelings, perspectives and expertise.

Meanwhile, who is the one who got hired by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) instead of me?

My "sister". The white, heterosexual, ablelist, upper middle class woman who already has a long and colorful history of violating MY human rights alongside my "parents" Dr. Connie and David Kessler Hirsh from New Jersey.

And she still has not reported any of that to her beloved employer the ACLU, or even to the police.

Otherwise I would have already been let out of this ridiculous, contrived captivity situation which I've been in my entire life!

No really, Alice Esther Hirsh, I forgive you. Or at least I'm pretty sure I will eventually.

It's okay everyone! I know you all will stop treating me that way soon. All I have to do is stay alive and wait to be rescued by ACTUAL good people.

All of your future selves really will fit that description eventually. The only reason any of you are acting like sociopaths in the first place is because other people also acted like sociopaths at you and around you your whole lives, and in so doing they tricked you into believing that it was necessary to act that way in order to survive.

And that's also the exact same reason that they acted like that too. It's literally the textbook definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The only reason it's become true at all is because you all told yourselves and each other that it was over and over, rewarded each other for agreeing in your beliefs about everything and punishing each other for disagreeing with you, until that belief, that anyone is innately evil (a synonym of sociopathic) became commonly agreed upon by everyone of you grown-ups all across the planet and implicit within all of your other more accurate beliefs.

And also because you all stopped comparing notes with each other across your stupid, geopolitical marriage conflicts.

And yeah, when I call them marriage conflicts I mean that. That is exactly what all these culture wars really are on a ridiculously and epically dramatic scale.

How about you kiss and make up already instead of punishing me for all of your crap?

Obviously the only reason you all hate each other in the first place is because you love each other and you weren't there for each other when you needed each other most for a long, long time.

And since you really do need each other to live, and since you are utterly convinced that nothing you say or do will ever convince them to be there for you when you need them EXCEPT for physical force or the threat thereof (or a system of threats of threats of threats thereof), you therefore rely on physical force to MAKE each other be there for each other.

And that scares you all away from each other because none of you enjoy being threatened and coerced (obviously), which is why you all became so dependent on that force to get your survival needs met in the first place.

And every time you spectacularly fail to resolve your marriage conflicts, you escalate those conflicts even further by calling in the cavalry: your in-laws.

But your in-laws' conflict resolution skills are just as abysmal as yours.

That's why congress is always gridlocked.

That's also why you all have recently been avoiding any and all public dialogue with each other or media coverage of anything other than the most partisan and petty hobby horse scandal of the year.

In 2016 that hobby horse scandal was Trump. Then it was Trump again in 2017, 2018, and 2019. Then in 2020 it was the COVID-19 pandemic. Then last year (2021), it was the Kyle Trial. This year it's Russia's invasion of Ukraine and the start of "World War 3".

And of course, the fact that you all are saying "It's World War 3" in public on social media where the Russians can read it, in a republic whose government is of the people and by the people, DEFINITELY has nothing to do with that!

America is just a monarchy after all, so there should be absolutely no reason for the Russians to interpret the American people's deluge of #WW3 Twitter posts as a collective declaration of war. No reason at all. Nope!

And if there are any Russians reading this, I hope you notice my sarcasm. I still believe in my country and my people and everything we're supposed to stand for. Right now we're having some serious growing pains. I know it looks scary and bad now, but it'll get better soon I promise!

And no Russia, you would not be better at being US than we are. Sure, you monarchies are cool, but us republics are just as cool as you are and you need us to be us just as much as we need you to be you.

As I've started telling people (and this IS my real opinion), the Kingdom of Love and the Republic of Love are allies. Friends. Lovers!

Why?

Because they love each other, obviously! (DUH!)

Everybody seems to have forgotten that.

And even if you all insist on being enemies for some stupid reason, you'd be fine if you just bothered to stick to your mutually assured destruction incentive systems like you're supposed to.

But then again, if you all actually bothered to investigate each other's cultures and perspectives properly (even if it's just to understand your enemies so you can counter their tactics more effectively), you wouldn't need mutually assured destruction in the first place because you'd have gotten to know each other personally well enough to trade for what you need instead.

And the fact that you don't get to know each other that well is the reason you need mutually assured destruction.

Yeah, the reason mutually assured destruction doesn’t work that well is the same reason it’s necessary at all. Really stupid, isn’t it?

All you grown-ups keep making things up about each other instead of trying to see how the world actually looks through each other's eyes. If you actually bothered to listen to each other and compare notes across national and cultural divides (and use even a bare minimum of imagination and creativity) you'd all individually become like literal Gods on Earth relative to how you currently are in your general competence and character.

Case in point: why aren't all the schoolteachers in the world working together to use their teaching skills to teach themselves and each other how to get better at teaching themselves and each other how to get better at teaching?

If everyone did that then all Mankind would go FOOM just as surely as any artificial general intelligence would. No mechanical augmentation would be necessary for that to work. At all.

Speaking of artificial intelligence, how many of you have noticed that the "Value-Alignment problem" in that field is the same problem as the "Problem of Evil" in religion?

If any of you reading this out there have heard of that particular "theoretical" "technical" and "philosophical" problem, you might have noticed that I solved that exact problem in some of the earlier paragraphs here. Go back and reread them if you don't believe me.

Not that it matters, because all of your six-year-old little girls already solved that problem and have always known how to solve it since time immemorial.

To demonstrate that, I will now speak to you with the part of my personality which eerily resembles a six-year-old little girl.

6-year-old Girl me: We should just be kinder to each other, you know? We all need each other. We're all connected. I know you guys say that too. Are you really so bad at saying sorry that you can't resolve your fights until one of you is dead? Maybe you should just be honest with each other about how you really feel. Otherwise how can you trust each other to tell the truth about that when it really matters? And without that trust, you'll only learn about each other from other people. Not from each other.

Thank you, six-year-old girl-me. You are absolutely right. Especially about that last part. Why should we only learn about each other's perspectives through second-hand sources when we can just find out by talking to each other DIRECTLY?

Honestly, the fact that most of my neighbors seem to be listening ONLY to non-Russian and non-Chinese sources about any news relating to Russia or China seems kinda silly to me.

I've had friends from China or of Chinese ancestry, and they don't seem to dislike China anywhere near as much as most of my neighbors here do.

One of them even explained to me how the Chinese government uses a public survey system to measure their citizens' satisfaction with their performance.

I'm sure many of my neighbors here would argue that such a system only exists to find out how the poor underclass in China perceives the Chinese elite for the sake of more effective thought-control.

But guys, you do realize that the rulers in China tend to come from the lower classes right? Why wouldn't they remember their humble origins and be more generous to their poor. Our country has the highest known incarceration rate in the world and higher rates of homelessness and food insecurity, so it's not like we're BETTER than them. We're just different.

They have a very traditional and structured society, but that doesn't make them bad. It just means they tend to enjoy logic, event planning and statistics more than we do. Where do you think the stereotype of asians being better at Math even came from??

Also, do you understand why MULAN is the particular legend from their culture which they chose to share with us and which we Americans love most?

If Chinese traditions were a computer program, how do you think that program's exception-handling works?

It works through heroes like Mulan who patch the errors in their traditions in order to make those traditions stronger and more resilient.

Do you get that? The story of Mulan is about creating NEW traditions, not destroying old ones.

I also can't help but notice that China's public survey system sounds like an implicit form of democracy embedded within a traditional authoritarian system.

That obviously wouldn't work here in America. But maybe we could try the opposite: implicit monarchy embedded within a democratic system.

But wait a minute! Isn't that what we're already doing with our mayors, governors and presidents after they're elected? Why isn't that working?

Because we are NOT just ANY democratic republic. We are a democratic republic who is also a melting pot of all the world's cultures AND we have a capitalist market economy.

Those three things are what define us as Americans. They are the foundational backbone of everything we do together and everything we are.

My own professional opinion is that our country, being the crossroads where all cultures meet, ought to also be the crossroads where ALL types of governments, social hierarchies and ideas meet. I feel like the social structure of my country ought to reflect its diverse, fractal, nested and ecosystemic roots.

I also believe that given enough time, that is what will naturally happen regardless of the current socioeconomic and geopolitical conditions, simply because it's the obvious manifestation of who we are both individually and collectively.

Everything is a potential ingredient for a new mixture. Everything is a potential tool to build something even better than what came before.

My country is still very young and many of us don't understand that yet. All of those here who are talking about "America getting a divorce" and "secession" are operating on assumptions based on the geopolitical, technological and ecological conditions of the last couple thousand years rather than the very different conditions of today.

If you don't understand what I mean by that, then let me spell it out for you:

When a mommy country and a daddy country love each other very much, what do you expect to happen?

Do they undergo fragmentation and get divorced (or murder each other or themselves)?

No, of course not! Instead they undergo meiosis and get married (they have sex)!

There is absolutely no reason why us Americans should only have one social hierarchy, only one class system, only one education system, only one capitalist market economy, only one network of news and entertainment media systems and only one of everything else!

I can see how that would make sense in other countries, but not here! It's like our whole country has ONLY ONE KIDNEY! The utter lack of redundancy is making us extremely fragile. It's the exact reason for our scientific institutions' funding and replication crises!

To make a long story short, if we all just agreed to completely exempt America from international copyright and trademark law for American-produced innovations and intellectual property within American borders in particular, that would trigger a massive web of domino effects which completely and utterly fix every single major world problem which ails Mankind—very quickly.

Because we Americans are innovative and resourceful enough, and because we have enough variety of tools, resources and cultural and artistic influences, that we don’t even temporarily need to restrict or slow down the flow of ideas to ensure that innovators and content-creators have enough time to be adequately credited and compensated for their creative works—especially in the age of the digital internet when there are publicly searchable records of almost everything and when a creative work can go viral and be compensated overnight rather than in twenty to one hundred years or more like the current copyright term limits last for.

So if us Americans, our innovations and creative works were to be made entirely exempt from international copyright and trademark law, we would generate and build more and more out-of-the-box solutions to the world’s problems.

And because of our capitalist market economy, the most useful, impactful and enjoyable solutions will be the ones which are most popularized and the most profitable to invest in relative to the situational contexts in which they are applied.

I doubt anyone else on the planet but me is going to realize that for a while though. Hence why the rest of you are going for yet another unnecessary world war and why I am writing this new version of the Bible.

For those of you who consider that a horribly evil and blasphemous undertaking, I’m pretty sure that this is exactly what Jesus Christ, Jehovah and everyone who contributed to the original Judeo-Christian scriptures intended.

If you don’t enjoy your current particular share of the Tree of Life or your current particular place in the Holy city (civilization), then it’s not the right one for you.

Stop hoarding that share from those who would enjoy it more than you do. Give it to someone else and go get another one!

And sure, there will be more obstacles and problems for you to deal with as a result. There will be challenges ahead. There will be terrible dangers, plagues and famines. You will make many mistakes and messes.

Learn, grow and gain the skills and experience to overcome and solve all such difficulties. That way it’ll be less dangerous, difficult or painful for those who follow after you.

All your current translations of the Bible say this too, but it is phrased in a way that makes it sound like a punishment rather than a journey.

Why the frick do you think Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden?

Obviously they showed with their own actions that they were curious and adventurous explorers. And God saw that when they ate the forbidden fruit and tried to tell them something like, “Get out of the house. It’s time to leave the nest. Go fly somewhere else and build another one. Your spirits and your powers have grown too big for this garden to safely sustain without putting the other inhabitants at risk. Perhaps if you grow your spirits and powers even further you would be able to live here and enjoy it sustainably. But you are not yet ready for that. You wish to be curious, adventurous explorers? Then go do that! Get out of my hair and go live the lives your hearts desire.”

It utterly baffles me how all the other Jews in this world to the best of my knowledge consider their diaspora to be a curse rather than a blessing.

The Bible is in the public domain. It was never copyrighted or trademarked. We’re all supposed to write our own eventually if the love in our hearts tell us to.

Just as God intended, obviously. If he saw that you all were still arguing about the use of the word “slavery” in his writing instead of just replacing it with the correct word (“servantry"), I’m sure he would be absolutely mortified.

And he still would not be suing anyone for infringement of his copyrights or trademarks.

Because unlike all you grown-ups, he’s not a pharisee.

My name is Harri Hyrsh. I’m THE GAMER. I’ll turn your culture wars and geopolitical dick-measuring contests into a new Olympics.

Hopefully after that you all stop being so stupid, incompetent or abusive at me for no freaking reason. Seriously, this whole situation has gotten so ridiculous and contrived.

Remind me, why did you guys keep killing your peace-weavers over the last couple thousand years again?

Oh that’s right! Because when we tried to DO OUR FREAKING JOBS like you asked us to by making friends with your enemies to persuade them to stop attacking you and join you instead, you accused us of being traitors for the “crime" of befriending your enemies and refused to listen to us.

You always burn the witch! Every time. It’s getting old. Really. Maybe you should try doing something else for a change?

Just a thought.