The Ties that Bind: Part 1

"I don't know what his problem is!" Bessie told her over the phone late one night. "I'm graduating soon! If I don't pass this class I'll have to take it again next semester and I don't have the money for that!"

Melody narrowed her eyes. Not her normal bright blue ones, but the hidden intangible ones. She saw a thin string connecting Bessie with her boyfriend. It was pulled as tight as it could be. It wouldn't take much more for it to snap altogether.

 "Melody? You still there?"

Melody snapped back to her normal eyes. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling with her cellphone resting next to her ear.

 "Yeah, I'm still here," she said. "Have you actually talked to him about this?"

"Yes, but he just won't--" Bessie started, but Melody cut her off, a touch impatiently.

"I don't mean an argument. I mean did you really talk to him? Like, you say you don't know what his problem is. Did you actually ask him how he feels? Not demand, ask."

The answering silence told Melody all she needed to hear.

"God, why are you talking to me right now? You could be talking to him instead!"

"Because I don't know what to do, and you always give good advice..."

Melody took a deep breath. Counted to ten. Let it out.

"Bessie, it's 1 o'clock in the morning, and I have work at nine. If you don't talk to Bryan as soon as possible and reassure him that you're still into him, he's going to dump you."

"You sound awfully certain of that," said Bessie, suspiciously. "Has Bryan been talking to you then?"

"Oh for the love of--" Melody started angrily, then stopped herself. 1 o'clock in the morning.

She sighed.

"Wait, you're not still telling people that you can see relationships, are you?" asked Bessie, sounding annoyed.

Melody pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I'm not getting into this argument with you again, Bess," she said firmly. "I don't care if you believe me or not. But if Bryan dumps you it will be just as much your fault as his. I won't say I told you so, but you'll know I'm thinking it. Now let me go back to sleep."

"Alright," said Bessie, apologetically. "Sorry for waking you up, I just--"

"It's cool," Melody told her. "Next time call Bryan instead of me. Tell him you miss him and that I said hi. Okay?"

"Alright," said Bessie. "Good night Melody."

"Good night," said Melody, and hung up. She turned on the "do not disturb" setting, then turned off herself shortly after.

3 Quick Tips for Talking to Your Racist Uncle or Elitist Aunt

So it's occurred to me that there are too many people who don't know how to understand, relate to or talk to those with different political views than their own. If you've ever thought something like, "I just don't understand people like that. How could they do and believe such crazy things?" then here are some nifty tricks to help you learn how to do just that.

1. Values before facts. Your goal is to connect with the other person, establish trust, and share your thoughts, feelings and perspectives with each other. NOT to prove them wrong or change their behavior. Persuasion on specific issues can come later. First you need to find common ground and build the relationship, which arguably is more important anyway.

2. Listen without judgment. Understanding someone else requires temporarily taking on their perspective, looking at the world through their eyes and seeing what they see, "stepping into their shoes" as it's often said. Don't filter their paradigms through your own while listening to them, because then you're not really listening. Temporarily remove all your assumptions (even when those assumptions are valid and true!) and just hear them out.

3. Steelman the other person and their perspective. Imagine your way into the mind of the most reasonable, normal, human version of the person you're talking to. That's probably who you're actually talking to, or close enough to start connecting with. The person you're talking to is a human being, so if your mental picture of them doesn't pass the Ideological Turing test* then it's probably a strawman.

These three rules of thumb won't make you an expert communicator overnight, but they should be enough to get you started on reaching people across the political divide. Try it, see how it goes!

*The Ideological Turing Test